[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
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Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen