Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
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science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.