A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
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King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Thinking about Jeff
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*