Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
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JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
(Electricians.)
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please