All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
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My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.