People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.