I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
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“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.