So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
You Might Also Like
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
pep talk
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.