I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
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It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I’m crying im so happy for them
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C