Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
You Might Also Like
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Bread puns are on the rise!