me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
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flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems