He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
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You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?