I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
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There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!