I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
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My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I am crying
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.