still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
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May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want