I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
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Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.