Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
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cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish