ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
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Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
They’re not wrong
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
*praying for world peace*
God:
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences