I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
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You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant