Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
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Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Van Gone
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””