Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
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My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge