Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
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*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.