I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
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what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.