It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
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They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.