I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
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Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
this chia pet tastes awful
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Me My dog