A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
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My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
This will teach them to underestimate me
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet