The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
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My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED