Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
You Might Also Like
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.