In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
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The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
motivation
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.