I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
You Might Also Like
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
When I snag the last meatball.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Worst bar ever.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”