i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
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Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?