My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
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If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…