If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
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Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
the saddest jazz hands ever
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son