Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
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Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Overindulged this afternoon.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy