Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
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The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
“TGIM!” – My liver
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
necessity is the mother of invention
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.