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I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
#dnd #ttrpg
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that鈥檚 long enough
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it鈥檚 like she鈥檚 here watching over me
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that鈥檚 all most people know how to cook.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best