“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
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Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.