I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
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*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️