Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
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[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Everything reminds me of my ex
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Every time.