[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
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That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.