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My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”