Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
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me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
The symmetry is uncanny.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store