Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
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Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.