My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?