dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
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*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane