[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
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Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
$3 #books
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.