RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
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Nothing.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
where do you see yourself in five years?
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
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