Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
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FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
next question.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars