When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
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My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone