[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
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If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Google reviews are always so mixed..
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes